3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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