I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I think I sprained my soul last night
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
