So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
