Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
