Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
