i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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