i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
