The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
