I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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