Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
