We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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