My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
