My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
