I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
