To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
