We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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