It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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