Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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