totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
