sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
