i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
