Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
