I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
