Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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