I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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