Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
