take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
