remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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