When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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