i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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