Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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