Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
