dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
