there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
