I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
