I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
