bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
