shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
