i can't believe i had my finger in that
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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