hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
