im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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