It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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