Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
