my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
