Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
