My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
