So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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