i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
