im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
