Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
