I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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