but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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