So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
