I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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