Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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